Lonely Shadows

I told myself I will stop writing subjectively. I told myself that I will no longer expose my wounds for everyone to see. I told myself that I will stop crying and feeling sorry for myself so I can start walking steadily one more time. I tokd myself that I will no longer take all the blame since what happened to us is a product of misshapen beliefs, of individual differences, and insignificant thrust of pride. Yet, here I am, hand poised over the keystrokes, typing frantically as if possessed by a supernatural force.

There are things that are running in my head, thoughts that plague my mind and cripple my soul. There are shadows, running to and fro, chasing image after image, scaring each negativity away from me as these images and negativities steal me from my sanity while I am sitting here all alone in my darkened room.

I ask myself why I am here. Why do I find myself hanging on to something which is not certain? Why do I find myself holding on to someone with the capacity to leave me hanging alone, whenever he wanted to? Why do I feel this strongly for someone who lies to me over and over again?

I know I have done mistake after mistake in the past. But I do not think that it is fair. The pain I am feeling is never commensurate to what he is making me feel right now. Yet I could not find reasons to leave. I could not feel that I need to, either.

As I sit alone and ponder on the things that re going on in my life now, one thing is certain… these shadows surrounding are saving me from melancholy, seeping every sad thought, and reminding me that I am still alive…

Whirlwind of Emotions

Credibility never developed out of talking.  It only develops out of actions that support one’s verbal intentions. – http://www.savvymale.com/affairs-infidelity.html

Things has been said and done, lies were eventually uncovered. In this event, we realized the things we missed and the things that we have to work on, both as individuals and as partners. We saw that there are things that we both need to work on in order to make things work if we want them to.

Measuring the pain I felt after the deception is irrelevant, as well as impossible as there can never be a word that will justify the amount of pain that I dealt with; and still dealing with every single day. When I found out, you were so caring, you were so gentle, and I could see that there were efforts on your end to make things work out. It made my heart happy knowing that you, too, are willing to mend our broken pieces back together and continue where we left off.

Lately, things changed. She still calls, you still talk to her. Every time we talk about her, you jump into the defensive and snap back at me. She would never have the nerve to do things that she is doing had you not given her reasons to. She remain unknown to me and you refuse to provide any detail each time I ask. Far worse, I know that if I run away from you, you won’t come back after me. Yet when she does, you will do just that.

How can I trust you again? How will I do it if I cannot believe a word you say anymore. You tell me you love me everyday, yet I cannot even believe that you still hold it true in your heart. You say one thing and you do another.

06.09.2011 – You told me that you will fix something and you won’t be able to pick the phone up. I gave it 30 minutes before I make the call, yet your phone is busy. I knew then that you were talking to her. You told me that you just let her talk to a dead air, one thing I could not seem to believe. We talked for 56 seconds after that, you hung up without saying “I love you” nor “I am sorry”. Far worse, you seemed reluctant to talk, sounded irritated even.

06.11.2011 – You went out. You said it will not take you long. You said we will have lunch together. You sent me a text message. And there wasn’t anything after that. I was calling you and texting you the entire day, I didn’t get anything back from you. When you got home, you told me that the phone was set to silent mode and you don’t have credits to reply. I didn’t say a word. You might not see it as an acceptance. But it is not. She texted you, she did not make missed calls like she used to. Which means one thing: in one way or another, you replied to her and she knows your whereabouts. And who knows, you two might have been together that day.

06.12.2011 – You woke up and checked your phone at once. I was there, you immediately kept your phone away when I looked behind to check on you. I stepped out and when I entered the room, lo and behold you were holding that phone once again. She stopped with her missed calls, perhaps you were able to text her. How on earth when you just said you don’t have credits to send messages? It was late at night and she started with her missed calls once more. You took your phone, and eventually it stopped. Same reasoning on my end, same lie from yours.

And there are still other indications which I will not discuss no longer. Perhaps I have known you long and well enough to figure you out. Something nags at my head and tells me that just when I was asleep, you two were communicating.

So tell me, how will I still believe you?

If ever there is one thing that you can do for me, if I truly mean something to you; just one thing I would want you to do for me, that is to just let me know the truth behind all these. I no longer want to live in your lies. You know the depths of my love for you, yet we also know that love is not always enough. Love wasn’t enough to make you stay true to me, and it will not be enough to keep you honest to me too – especially at this time.

You know how much I value trust and honesty. Do you think this will still work if we are like this? I cannot do it on my own, there should be an input coming from you. There should be a mutual and a conscious effort to patch things up. If you are unwilling to do just that, then it is fine. If you think you will be happier without me, then I will accept that.

You cheating on me is already as unfair as it is. You being dishonest after me finding out is already inhuman. I deserve to be happy, too. If ending this will spare us all from pain, then do not be scared to do it. For once, I beg you, just be fair square and honest with me. If there isn’t love left in your heart, let’s just end this.

I would gladly accept the end, instead of me wasting my time and effort rebuilding something that is already beyond repair. I would rather see you go and feel the pain instead of staying and having you stab my heart over and over and over, day after day after day. I would rather keep memories of you intact, I would rather leave the “untainted you” I loved and the person you were when we met 11 years ago, than carry on and hate you in the process. I would rather keep what we had etched in my soul as a blessing I will always cherish, than regret that I wasted my time in the end.

I do not blame you that we have to go through all these. Crazy as it may sound, I have forgiven you for cheating on me. I understood where you were coming from and I do not blame you for doing that. Yet, it can never be an excuse for you to go on hurting me just the same. We both deserve to be happy, we both deserve our chance at life. Let us not pin each other down to a situation just because it is going to be comfortable for us.

I will close this random musing without those three words, not because I don’t feel it. But because I do not want those words to be misused, nor its meaning be misconstrued. You know how I feel, you know what I am willing to go through. But please understand that even the strongest of people gets weak, even the most understanding individual gets confused. The heart may not stop loving, but it gets weak and tired, too.

© Cha 06.13.2011

Tangled Strings

Impermanence is what is permanent.

We never can expect that things will go on forever, nor for things to remain the same. In one way or another, life has an uncanny way of making things unfold according to some plan – some code, or some story – that no one, save life, barely understands. No matter how much we attempt to, no matter how hard we stop them, things will change. It is normal, it is the natural way of life.

Maybe one of the things that cripples every emotion that I have right now is the fact that I believed the word – the promise that there will not be another me in his life. It remained to be the only true thing I have been holding on to, yet somehow, it changed, and I begin to see that I am the only one believing that there still will be “us”.

Often, on my alone times, I walk down that alley of our past and I try – to the best I can – to relive every memory I have saved. It is funny that his memories take him back three years ago, when I made that mistake; while mine run back to eleven years ago, when I first met him and when he first became a part of my life.

I recall those foolish jokes, sweet nothings, empty conversations we shared when I was but young to the world. I remember how I confide everything to him, how I open up and pour my soul out to him. He was the greatest bestfriend I have had. Funny that I was just fourteen then, when I started signing my name along his last name – something young girls in love would do. He meant something to me, and I know that he will hold that space forever – no matter what that space is defined as.

I remember how we eventually moved on to our own lives. I was chasing my dreams, kissing out frogs who never turned to be my prince. He led his simple, yet happy, life amidst the souls he touched. I once thought that things will not change and that we will remain the closest friends that we have become. Yet, one day, life brought us back on each other’s paths and made us see things, feel things, that I never thought will be there.

Almost seven years of friendship, four years of marriage – that is what we had to-date. Who thought that will even be possible? No one. Signs led me to understand that we were indeed hand-picked for each other. It made me love him more.

Yet again, life unfolds; lo and behold; things happened and the events let me carry more burden on my shoulders – more than that which I already have. It required my utmost attention as I know I should be able to sort those things, those responsibilities, out on my own if I don’t want those burdens to plague me forever.

I was there with him, drawing strength from him and his wisdom day after day. I was there enjoying how comfortable things have become for us. I was fighting my demons and I was braver than I ever thought I could be – since I know all the while I was holding his hand and the promise that it will be me and him for always, only the two of us together. I surpassed every challenge life faced me, even dared life to give me more sometimes – all because I know someone is there to back me up when I fall.

One thing I didn’t realize was the fact that the promise is slowly fading. I didn’t see him slipping away. I didn’t notice it, since I was holding his hand all along – and I failed to recognize the fact that his thoughts and his soul are elsewhere, his hand remained holding on to me for my reinforcement. When reality hit me, it hit me hard that I fell back hard. The feeling is similar to being an amateur on a drag racing championship, one lap away from the finish line, leaving everyone, including the pro’s, at your tail. And then suddenly you come across that bend that will require you to stop for a bit to strategically maneuver for the win, and that’s when you realize that your breaks are off. You crashed, someone else win. That is the way I lost.

It is a shame that I became too engrossed on my personal issues, I became too caught up on my promotions, I became too involved on seemingly big things that don’t really hold meaning. I failed to make him feel my every emotion, I failed at making him see how happy I was and how much he meant to me. I failed at making him feel that he is my world, he is everything I have, and that I will die without him. I failed to be there for him during those times he needed someone the most. And he found that solace, that comfort somewhere else. And it should have been right here, with me. And I hate myself for it.

It should have been my place, and I cannot believe someone just took it from me without me knowing… Without me having a fair chance of defending my territories. Yet I hate myself for not noticing that there was this threat.

And now, my close to perfect life is full of tangled strings, of unsorted emotions, and of conflicting realities. Oftentimes, I sit back there in the corner in my attempts to sort them out, yet I fail everytime. Because I know that what I used to believe to be permanent has changed and it will keep changing over time. I just want to sit there and spend time untangling every emotion, mistake after mistake, so as to make things return to what they used to be. A voice inside my head nags at me, and I know that the voice was right. I can never bring things back to what they used to be, I can never correct mistake after mistake cause everything has been done, I may be able to untangle every strand, but it will never change the fact that what we have is no longer as untainted as it has been…

I am still at a loss, still trying to figure things out. Shall I just go ahead and cut the tangled part and start over, making sure that I will not be as insensitive as I was; or waste my time untangling everything. Far worse, leave the strings untouched and walk away. I no longer know. One thing I am certain, I will fight for what I feel, I will die trying…

© Cha – 06-09-11